Love language (maxwell don’t read till you do the test)

Some geezer reckons he has cracked the languages of love. 

After years of couples counselling (presumably as the counsellor) he noticed that sometimes it was a communication issue causing the grief. The communication resulting in a feeling of being loved. 

He came up with five love languages. Depending on your psychology you will feel loved when you parent, child, partner, etc, shows you it in one (or more) of the five languages. You will also likely show your love in one of the five ways. 

I read the book years ago, but now there’s a handy app that you can use to find your score. 

I think the language is multi componented – in other words the words of affirmation need the touch and time and thoughtfulness to be whole. It should be displayed as a spider chart, with the area within the lines being the love language shape. 

Apparently, you can detect your partners love langague by their actions. By deduction. I’m not so sure. But I await his results. 

My guess is his chart will be the inverse of mine; with gift giving at the top and words of affirmation at the bottom. But read on. 

Only “words of affirmation” fall into the category of “what you say”; whereas all the others are “what you do”. The more dissonance in yourself between what you say and what you do, the less efficacious words of affirmation would become.

I know my ex partner would top in acts of service. I learned this painstakingly over time. And I would always carry half the shopping, and clean the kitchen if he’d been away, and make sure the car had petrol. I continue that behaviour with my new partner, as learned behaviour, but likely it’s vestigial. 

Which makes me wonder if my deduction of my new partners love langague is accurate. He seems to like to give gifts; so I think he must know that langague and desire gifts himself. The gift isn’t important, it’s the thought put into it and demonstrable action of love, of course. But maybe the gift giving is vestigial for him and it’s not his thing at all. Instead it’s what worked with his last wife. And he wanted her to feel loved. 

I am always getting packages of unexpected things from him. And when he thinks I am distressed he sometimes tries to gift me out of it – perhaps with an Oroton handbag. It’s not unpleasant at all; in fact it’s very sweet. It’s a new thing to me, but I don’t connect it with a feeling of love. Although maybe now I will. The gifts have no deep emotional effect, I suppose, not like a text or an email would. We are odd and complicated creatures. 
If he likes physical manifestations of my thoughts and feelings for him, I will buy him teaspoons every day. I will send him Dr Seuss books that he mentions; source Siddhartha and make sure he has every insect catcher on the planet. 

You see in any langague: I love him. And I want him to feel loved. I love his sensitive heart and his bravery and his willingness to try things even when he is afraid. I love his conversation, his sense of humour and his efforts to appear as if he doesn’t care about anything – when really he cares about everything. I also love the gifts as a curiosity. It could be four brown towels, a candelabra or a vacuum cleaner. 

I await the results.


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