What am I to you 

It’s true, I reckon, that other egos are our hall of mirrors. We see ourselves through others eyes. Whether you believe the reflections is up to you, though. Beware who you reflect yourself off; but, also make sure you don’t only seek those that make it look rosy. Full spectrum might be the key. To see the extremes, and then you can make your own judgment. Your own judgement of yourself is the most valuable of all. 

My ego must be unusual compared to others, and I think this has something to do with its preparedness to gather data. At extremes of reflection in terms of different personality types.   And perhaps a lack of shame in the eccentric exposure of its strengths and limitations. A sense of humour helps with the eccentricity. Humourless eccentricity is mostly intolerable. 

In my work, call it a career since I have plans, I don’t feel afraid to try experience fail. Mostly, instead, I feel a pervading sense of boredom if I don’t want to try; topped with a possible tendency towards being fucked-over due to a benign attitude towards hipocrosy. It’s in me to take a job and stay there for longer than I should because it’s easy to make excuses to stop trying and still not to leave. That’s laziness I suppose. The lesson Siddhartha took into the woods. 

The hipocrosy I really dislike is that in myself. I notice when I am bored and cruising without trying and, whilst I might state that I could stay in a job, it’s not likely that I could because I never have. Ergo.

If I analogise my career to a love life then what I have done is the equivalent to ending a relationship. Now I have a choice to be single, jump into something else, try something different (polyamory, queer). Only from a career perspective there’s no such luxury to dwell on it as one might have in romance, because one needs $ to at least survive in the game. This is a pressure that’s sort of irritating because you might need to find yourself before committing to the next relationship. It makes things interesting though. You gotta be a fast learner or have a few fucks on the side to see if you can figure out what it is that is really going to click. 

Is there a point to this blog? I’m waiting to see too. There are a few points trapped in my abstract thinking in here and I need to get them out as quick as possible. There’s a convergence of ideas some discarded, some collected, mostly there’s this kind of certainty that whatever I try will still result in a sort of boredom. This is because I’m actually bored of the system and the constructs around me. In that way people get bored when they are fat and healthy outside of a zombie apocalypse. Yep it’s Siddhartha walking into the woods.

Now I see the point of the blog. The boredom isn’t with the system in which this is circumstance. Its the folly to blame the surroundings. It’s boredom with my own thinking and my own state of enlightenment. I’m trapped in the what the Buddhists call the cycle of samsara. Ha. That’s funny. Love this blog. If you feel it – you are trapped in a state of non enlightened enlightenment. It’s a good thing, so long as you see it for what it is. 

That was very helpful thanks. Sorry to any confused reader in audience. 


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