My ex wife 

When I was married, I used to jokingly refer to my husband as my wife. 

Now I am finding he is also like an ex wife. 

He’s emotional and apparently irrational even when I am trying to be thoughtful. I feel like I’m fucked before I even begin. 

It’s not a very good feeling. It makes me want to give up and stop trying. 

He always seems to think I am coming from a position of trying to exploit him, or hurt him. 

I would consider this might be a mirror (ie that he is coming from those positions and so he sees it in me). But actually, I think I have been him and that’s not necessarily true. 

I think he is already wounded by me. It’s like one of those people that keeps getting punched, that flinch even when you just go to get the salt. 

In any case, it’s fucking irritating. And makes me not like him because I feel confused, helpless and bad about myself to be honest. Like I am someone that hits him all the time. Which I don’t. I don’t think. 

Anyway, all of which to say, the only thing I can do it to keep emphasising in communication that I am not attacking him… She protests. 

When you love someone, unfortunately it comes with this junk of future empathy. An anticipation of future pain. This ability must have a “use” in some scenarios, and carries over into others. 

I created this problem for my self. Nevertheless, this is the first time I have realised how alarming it is to be on the other side of the equation. It’s terrible. Almost as terrible as being the antagonist. I feel responsible for making sure he is not harmed by me; but I also have no idea how to make sure that it doesn’t happen. 

The logical answer here is I have to let him own it. That’s exactly the course here, but fuck logic I care about him and I feel guilty. So I need a blend of that and something that’s easier for me. 

The only other thing I can do is as I would with a child; let them own it but with compassion. A sort of pushing it away but with a loving understanding. That doesn’t feel right either because it feels so unjust!

Oh, that’s interesting: I feel like he is treating me unfairly. And I am annoyed about it. Seems a bit selfish. Lol. 

Jeez  blogging out root cause of thinking hardly ever ends up where I expect. I am being selfish and unfair (since he has good reason to feel how he does). Got it. 

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