In the case of giving up on relationships 

Being in a relationship is difficult. 

Well not all the time. Sometimes it’s all moony and delightful. And there are these moments of pure bliss when you just imagine the other person is the most perfect being on the planet and he’s all cosy and gorgeous and you can’t stop kissing him. 

Of course in reality relationships are difficult because the other person is a human and… so are “you”. 

When things feel tough there is the typical approach of complaining that the “bad other” is being mean, getting some advantage or not being fair.

I think that’s always a red herring. 

There is no bad other. 

My guess is all relational complaints projected outside onto the other person (the villain) are fixable internally. 

In other words, when things feel tough my guess is it’s something resolvable in your own self. A personal issue highlighted. 

But you have to want to do the work.

(And once you have done that work it is possible that you will become more enlightened than the other person. And sadly the enlightened folks don’t mix with the unenlightened because they all frustrate one another.)

If you do look internally you might find something that you can “fix”. Jealousy might turn up unresolved competitiveness issues. Envy might turn up unresolved issues with self-esteem. Frustration might mirror your own stagnation. 

I have done this many times. For example, I have successfully analysed myself to the point where I am now able to “functionally dettach” myself from my lover. That sounds silly, but when I was unable to do it, it created all kinds of problems. 

If you just don’t want to ever examine yourself, likely the out come is that you give up on relationships. It’s all too hard. But I think really you are giving up on yourself. And deep down you know it. It can’t be good for the mojo.

A problem with personal work is that it can turn up unfortunate nuggets and often irrational feelings. And sometimes it can rock the steady state. But be brave I say. Admit to what irks you without shame and give a go at bursting the troublesome boils. 

You might have to accept the other persons displeasure at your lamentations. Maybe they are burying some of their issues and they think you should be polite and bury some of yours. 

In fact, I think if you really like someone you commit to keep going, keep digging, never accuse the other and don’t be rude (sorry for being rude). 


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