I was/am guilty of molly coddling my exhusband.
Reason: I think he had tantrums if I didn’t do things he way he liked them.
Child archetype activated.
And either for a quiet life or to avoid the drama I just slipped into the mother. Protected him. Molly coddled.
After a while, the tantrums didn’t even seem unreasonable. It felt like I was the one in the wrong.
Eventually, it was fatal I think. We lost our connection and/or we never really had a good one.
Habit remains. I am afraid of him getting mad with me. I go a little easy on him in relation to some things. I carry quite a lot of anxiety around his wellbeing. I worry about whether he is ok.
When I say I want to disconnect from him, I think what I mean is that I want to stop mothering him. I need to stop thinking of him as my fledgling child fighting for himself and all alone.
A bloody counsellor told me this a year ago but he didn’t use fancy terms like archetype, so I didn’t see his point.
It doesn’t worry me too much – a tendency to mother – because I can see when I do it now. With him or others. And I can notice it and stop it. (Hopefully).
Of more concern is that if I play the child archetype, and activate it in a susceptible other, I wont be able to control that persons reaction. And I could inadvertently cause him to be the father to my inner child (metaphorically speaking).
Do I have tantrums if things don’t go the way I want? Have I? Am I needy or pathetic? Fark. Yes maybe.
Could I get lucky and have him let me deal with that shit. Yes maybe. I also gotta start sucking it up and noticing any weaknesses.
This is different from avoiding or having feelings. You can’t change your feelings but you can change how you deal with them and how you push them out.