Gawd it’s nice in the breeze under this tree.
I might be the happiest person on the planet. Listening to my kids play; thinking about my trip next week; relaxed; content; thinking about the man that loves me.
Last night my friend Rob pointed out that these fears I am blogging, are really just occasions when my own sense of “self” had become apparent to me as distinct from the collective. They are just moments that I felt my own ego. And identified with myself as an individual. He could be right.
He postulates (being suspiciously wise) that the more disconnected from self we are the more desperate we are to persuade others of something we believe. He didn’t say it like that, so it’s paraphrase. His point was that someone desperate to persuade you of conspiracy (or efficacy of something, or value of something) is really just trying to have his ego persuade yours. By submission of your ego, he can connect and validate himself. He argues that those that reject the attempt at persuasion (e.g. refuse to buy into the conspiracy) become highlights of the pain. And those people might also become targets for submission in some other way, possibly personally – character assassination. But ultimately, its just the ego needing validation. He knows this because he used to be the conspiratorial in need of the belief.
The ego inflates and looks for nourishment outside when it’s not nourished inside. How to nourish? Probably just be still. Be alone without relational connection.
Sit under a tree. Listen to kids playing. Stop writing this farking blog.