Fear of failure (day 1) 

Write about three embarrassing or humiliating experiences. Two from childhood and one recent. 

Crikey, I have to try to recall something. A problem is I am very forgiving of myself and I am hardly ever (deeply) embarrassed by my humanness. 

Furthermore, to be humiliated requires that I really care what other people think of me. And mostly I don’t care that much what they thing of me as a human. 

Ok: here’s what turns up… 

1. When I was really little (maybe 4 or 5) we used to roll around the school playing field in these big plastic containers. Go figure. It was a sunny day in my village where I grew up Coltishall, Norfolk. I can smell it as I write it. It was a sunny day (that must be important since I wrote it twice) and I must have wanted to take a turn in the barrel. Inside it was green. It was a green plastic barrel and someone rolled it. Another little kid probably. It smelled like hot plastic inside. There were daisies in the grass. The openings at each end of the barrel were of a diameter smaller than the inside diameter of the barrel. I don’t know why I am embarrassed or humiliated but maybe I panicked and I couldn’t get out. Maybe it wouldn’t stop rolling? Maybe I had asked to be rolled but now I had tried it, I felt foolish for the request and I wanted to get out. I felt pretty stupid for taking a risk. 

2. Ok second failure, mistake or dumb behaviour that was embarrassing… I am really struggling here. Errrr when I was 19 I worked in an office and I had a crush on this older guy called Dave. I got one of those dumb emails about sex, like: have you ever kissed a boy; or done this that or the other with a girl. It scored you out of 100 as Angel or Demon or something totally lame. And for some reason I forwarded it to him. That was pretty awkward. I can remember being in the shower before work the next day and feeling pretty stupid. In hindsight, I was just a dumb kid. 

3. Oh here we go… Recently I was very embarrassed when a senior person in my company sent back work that needed a review. I have thousands of ways to justify the situation but the truth is I was embarrassed and rightly so. It was an awful feeling. I had a most forgotten it. Thanks (not).

Yuk that was horrible to write those things. It’s a horrible feeling. My reactions are a sudden inward feeling. A heightened sense of self and exposure. But it’s not anger or hostility or fright (he suggests to look for these) and more a desire to run and/or hide a a diminution. A desire to collapse and give up. To stop trying. To disappear. Nothing could be worth having that feeling. 

Ooo now other times I have felt it are coming back. I must really bury that shit. Good fuck off gross feeling. 

  

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s