If I distill my parenting values I find that they relate mostly to environment. See earlier blogette.
I value providing a safe and secure and loving environment, and inside of that I will provide influence, guidance and the like – but other than that they are who they are. I want them to have the best start in life but environment is where it starts in my mind.
I suppose I don’t assume a “good environment” is a given because, guess what, I did not have a safe environment growing up. I had a poor environment.
The lack of safety can be more than the threat of physical harm. It can be of psychological harm looming in the form of environmental or pervasive depression, situational rejection, or general vibe of unwelcomeness.
My worst fear would be that my kids looked at my front door and didn’t want to walk through it. I have felt that.
Some parents lucky enough to have had a good childhood environment, likely evolve to the next stage where they value behaviour. Or at least see the difference influence can make to behaviour.
Environment first; influence follows.
You could have two good environment parents with no worries; or two influencers and no worries.
My guess is that a clash in parenting values comes when there is an environmental and an influencer.
However my husband was an influencer which clashed with my environment. But it was never really an issue.
Hence, my further postulate is the pairing of environmental with influencer is worst met in cohabiting coparenting relationships.
Coparenting amplifies environmental parents issues perhaps due to the circumstances that caused the coparent situation.
So what to do? Nothing. Other than give labels add to the understanding. And compromise. For the influencer it’s as simple as the vibe of the thing. For the environmentalist it’s building in some of the influencers behaviours without getting all in a bunch about it. My guess is that whilst it causes some relational issues it also makes for a really good parenting pair that can teach each other a lot.