My values as a parent 

1. Belonging 

It’s crucial to me that my kids feel that they are wanted and that they belong in the family. This is why it’s important to me that they have their things around the house, theirs names on the walls, their spaces and their places. I don’t mind if they build forts and make piles of things. 

I like having their pictures and things they have made for me in my bedroom. It’s not for “me” so much as it reinforces my value in their sense of belonging. 

Behaviourally, it’s really important to me that they feel they belong in terms of eg the food and drink that’s available and the TV shows that they watch. I want them to feel included. 

This value is likely why I would tend to make them breakfast and get them drinks when they ask for them. The shadow of this value is a tendency to servitude. 

2. Connection 

I want my kids to feel that they can connect to me when they want to, and move away from me when they don’t want me. If they want a cuddle in bed, I don’t mind that (so long as it’s not 5am). I like making time to play games and have conversations that don’t mean anything. 

Screens are the disrupter of this value (me and them). 

3. Acceptance 

I want my kids to feel accepted as they are and not stupid for something they think or feel. I want them to be able to express their uncertaintys and feel safe to make mistakes. 

On the flip side, I want them to be the “best they can be” and to have as easy a life as possible for themselves in the future (in terms of contentment). There’s a balance between acceptance and criticism. 

4. Equality 

To the extent possible I think all kids should be treated equally. Although sometimes naturally circumstances will be such that one child has something the others do not. I need a reason for that otherwise it triggers the inequity value. The reason can be something minuscule and irrelevant. 

5.Consistency/routine 

I think kids should know what’s happening and when. And always have a sense of where they will be and how they will get there. This feels related to the belonging value. It would drive me crazy, for example, if I had no routine for having the kids. Even though it wouldn’t really make any difference time wise. 

  

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