Dancing by myself 

last night I felt that I really wanted to be sexy and sensual but I was all by myself so I wasn’t sure what to do

I didn’t feel sexy much, I just wanted to be touched and devoured and stroked

I wanted to feel like I am desirable

and then I decided there is no reason I cannot do that for myself?

I don’t feel very comfortable in my body after having a recent miscarriage

When I see myself in the mirror, I feel undesirable and unsexy

I feel that I have changed in shape and fragrance and shimmer

and I had to own that – I had to see I don’t need anyone else to fix it

so I lit my candelabra, a cherished gift, and put on my favourite music, Amanaska, and then I moved the mirror so I could see in it

and I started to dance naked in the warm humid air

my skin looked nice in the candlelight, my body looked pale and golden 

I got some oil of de coconut and started massaging my breasts – an obvious place to start 

feeling my breasts soft under my hands – I liked how they started to shine and looked oily, the darker nipple pointing upwards from the rest 

and I started massaging around the soft flesh of my middle and feeling how my back wanted to arch to push it out

so I did, and I saw the shape of my body as a woman, like a mother

I felt the looseness in the muscles around my lower body and how it desired to grow

I carried on massaging my arms and then under my arms and all the parts of me that I don’t usually touch, and I realised how much negativity I hold about almost every piece of me

and how ashamed I am by almost every part of me and how I rely on others to fix that shame by desiring me

so I massaged and I danced around oiling my entire self like a big shimmering goddess

I liked what I could see – I looked decadent  

at times I cried, and at times I laughed 

Because I am mad and I liked it 

I danced and I sang if I knew the song and twisted and turned, my arms like flags in the air 

I was completely unaware of outside of me, for some unknown time 

I just moved and looked at me and tried to feel how it felt to live inside this body

all the feelings and experiences

the resentment and the desires and the frustrations and the joys

mostly the need to be touched and connected, so I connected to myself

I massaged my thighs and down each long calf 

I massaged oil into my bottom and smoothed my hands all over me in big wide strokes 

and I massaged myself for pleasure for a bit but I didn’t want to be treated sexually

All parts of my body just wanted to be equal 

All parts just blending in to a whole – I realised that 

After a while I lay still and tried to open my sacral chakra and just fill it with orange light, or something

I felt my body and its vulnerability and its shyness but also ts creativity and potential 

I felt like it just wanted me to feel some pride for it – even just that it has been everywhere with me 

So I let go of shame and tried to feel pride 

I recalled moments when I had felt proud of my body and I realised there are marks on it for those occasions, almost as if it wants me to remember 

I held it and remembered it 

It was good to dance 

  

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