On logical cul-de-sacs

I could write you a long missive outlining my achievements as I see them and attempting to explain my naturally high self-esteem. 

I have incredible faith in myself, and I am very proud of the things I do and the way I do them. My list would include degrees, awards, great jobs, a successful marriage, fantastic heathy well behaved kids, a gorgeous and clever lover that helps me to grow, lovely friends all over the world. 

And yet. There is this woman at work and I care what she thinks of me. 

I can sit and logic the fuck out of it. I could tell you I actually think she’s a  moron (which I do). I think I’m better than her on almost all fronts, except maybe in designer shoe collection. She is a stupid despicable immature unprofessional gross looking fat cow. I really dislike her. 

Yet read comment above. (I care what she thinks about me). 

I could release myself from her clutches, of course I have tried. But I would be missing something. 

You cannot remove with logic something not put there by logic in the first place. 

Sometimes, you have to look underneath the situation to find the root cause. It’s almost certainly nothing to do with her at all. Instead it’s all to do with me and something I “need” that for some appalling reason i think she can give me. 

My guess is that the trick is to figure out exactly what you would like that person to say to you. In my case: “You are amazing. I am so impressed by what you have achieved. I would like you to work alongside you so I can mentor you. (It makes me sick on two levels to type that, 1. Because she would actually be speaking to me; 2. Because fuck you slug I don’t give a shit what you think). 

She doesn’t care about me. 

I just realised as I typed more into my fake speech from her. She doesn’t care even enough to help me or support me or be nice to me. She doesn’t care about me, and that really bothers me for some reason. 

I’m just going to feel into that for a while and see if I can just accept it. 

Jeez who needs a psychologist when all you have to do it blog shit. 

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