The hippy types tell me time and time again to go into my body. I can do it, although it is an unusual feeling.
In August 2014, I did my first proper retreat supported by an embodied therapist. It was mind-body-opening. I enjoyed it.
In January 2015, I did a weekend festival with my best friend and lover. It was even more mind-body-opening and afterward I tried to keep up with the meditation.
But then I noticed something odd. The closer I got to being embodied, the more I wobbled around in my mind. Not just a little bit, but a lot. It feels very unpleasant and emotional. Eventually, a certain threshold of alarm is met within my mind and my body is evicted. I stop going inside and just float again.
Now, as a consequence, I am reasonably afraid of being embodied because I have persuaded myself it’s not my natural state. Or at least I’m not ready yet. Or maybe I’m slightly different in the balance of things. I seem to be able to exist in my mind without it being too painful. There is analysis, there is thinking, but overall I find it very enjoyable.
My body feels to me like a much shyer and weaker entity than other parts of me. It doesn’t like me looking at it (metaphysically), it doesn’t really like being centre stage if my mind isn’t involved. It just goes about its business wishing I would fuck off and leave it alone.
It likes being touched and loved. It really likes the lover I have chosen, on that front I am certain. In fact, my body is so stuck on him that even just typing this and feeling the reaction is quite overwhelming. My body picked this mate no question.
My body is very pliable and surrendered. One time during a session with my embodied therapist he commented that I would almost let him to anything to me (within reason). He was moving my legs, twisting my body and I just went with the process. I have very little shame that I am aware of in relation to my physical form.
I wonder if embodied practice that tells us all to be grounded and centred might be a great “model” but it might not apply to all. I am reasonably convinced I am a bit different because it doesn’t feel quite right, so I need to find a way to connect, or not, that suits me. It’s certainly not the mass commodity I’m being taught.
Perhaps it’s as simple as going inside my body (meditatively) and not crashing around in there with my much more dominant mind. Like: oh what’s that? Oh a cold tingle? Oh flutters! Oh this is my emotional trauma all stored in the tip of my little finger and it feel like being stapled. I think my body is fucked off with my kind smashing in and labelling everything with colours and chakra. A bit like as if I was a fella with a flat and some chick kept barging in hanging curtains and suggesting new paint colours.
Oh well, that was helpful to work through in this writing. So thanks. Now I know how I might change the approach.