Trusting love 

What does that mean? Trusting that someone will love you?

I find love most curious. For example, I will always love my parents, I will always love my kids, but why do these love bonds come as “not negotiable” eternal bonds, but romantic love is seen as disposable?

I don’t love you anymore?

Could you say that to a parent or child? 

Not likely. It’s more likely you never loved the person in the first place. 

Because it is romantic are we always checking it? Waiting for it to end? I have never considered whether I love my dad anymore. I have never wondered whether he will stop loving me. I have never measured my love for my dad over the ages anxiously looking for a change. 

Why not? 

I have been in romantic love many times. I’d say it has had various depths. Maybe sometimes it felt like love but it was a mixture of affection, admiration, joy. What is love anyway I suppose – maybe just a combination of  such feelings. 

Every single person I have ever romantically loved is still in my life to the extent that they want to be. What I mean is, I haven’t blocked any of them and in fact, some of them I have pursued in post-friendship only find them largely uninterested. It makes me wonder. Most of them have gone. 

There was a point with my husband when I just accepted that my love for him was “not negotiable”. I threw him in as my family, and I will always love him now. We are no longer together, but I still love him. My decision to end our relationship was completely independent of my love for him. In some ways it was because I love him. 

When I converted my love from romantic to familial; did this change my relationship with him? Do romantic relationships only survive on the precipice of being over. Like pairs of particles popping into existence through quantum fluctuations, they can only remain until one evaporates, and then so does the other. Curious. 

Love for “parents” and “children” is known to be unconditional. Is the distinguishing feature that romantic love is conditional? Conditional initially simply on the existence of the “other” in the particle pair; and later on some other requirements or conditions that have to be met?

In which case not trusting love in a romantic sense could be said to be a fear of not meeting (or being able to meet) certain “conditions”. 

What if we agree to the condition being that there are no unachievable conditions. A condition being that you have to be yourself and accept the consequences. But one consequence is always that there is a loving space for that and no rejection. What I mean is, keep the conditions if necessary, but make them work for you rather than against you. There’s no failure. 

In which case unconditional love has those conditions too – the condition that it is unconditional. So all love is by twisted logic “conditional”. 

From now on, I’m choosing my conditions. And trusting love. 

  

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