Being Nicola Malkovich

I heard two things about myself yesterday. In a professional and personal context. 

The first is that I can be perceived as disrespectful in the workplace because I don’t necessarily do as I am told or regard the opinion of others.  

The second is that I have a dominating personality that can squash the life out of someone that loves me. 

I already knew these things of course, they just came at me from two independent sources both of which I trust. 

In both instances, I think the same trait is at play. I am not sure what you would call it? Too much enthusiasm? Too controlling? Others might suggest strident or arrogant or supercilious or unempathic (I have been called these things) but usually by people that I feel don’t understand me. 

(Actually even my dad recently labelled me “difficult”.) 

I want to own my share of the behaviour (I can’t be responsible for how people respond, but I can own my own shit) but i don’t know what I do to get myself here. In which case I don’t know how to change it! Or at least be mindful of it. So I’m stuck with nothing to analyse but my own (in my mind) perfectly formed navel. 

If I don’t know how to find blame for this one; is that a symptom of the thing itself? A perception I am blameless. An avoidance of self in this space.

It has been suggested that I am not self-aware, but I reject that because I am self-analytical and often times I even know what I am doing, I just could care less.

My best guess is that I am non-conformist. This means I upset all the conformists around me. I upset them in their desire for conformist tidiness and because I highlight the things they are trying to pretend don’t exist.  

To be honest I see it as someone else’s problem. And that’s never a good place to be. 

So, in desperation, I shall welcome your amateur psychology comments in the box below:  



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