Heart Break – some notes to self

Almost all of my risk management is around protecting my heart from being broken.

I do not have anxiety in relation to (for example) losing my job, hurting my kids, being physically damaged or missing planes, trains or automobiles. All of those things I see as outside of my control and only my best intentions can be provided. In other words, I do my best and the chips fall as they may.

So why the panic about my heart I wonder.

It was broken when I was a girl of about 13. Pretty badly. I wonder if I felt such a fool that I have created the idea that I have to stop that from happening again.

Since then I can recall at least two occasions on which it has been broken. And in each case it was awful, but I survived it.

Heart break is grief at not being able to accept that circumstances are different from how you want them to be. Heart break is a huge dissonance gap – an attempt at changing things to close the gap, but when you have no ability to control things at all. You can only control your own self. The only way to get over heart break is to let go and accept things as they are.

When I felt heart broken it felt bleak. Like I was a fool and I had no self-respect. I felt empty and lonely and lost. Mostly its the lack of self-respect that sticks in my mind; that I feel like I let this happen to me without mitigating the circumstances. Now I have decided to change how I think about it. There is self-respect in heart break when there is authenticity on your side and a release of trying to control another person. I am going to try to welcome it in along side the other awful emotions like sadness and jealousy.

Sadness is an emotion that I feel I cant control and I let it wash over me. Jealousy is an emotion that I see as a flag to needing to deal with an unresolved issue in myself. Heart-break is an emotion that I see as an attempt at controlling another person and trying to mitigate a fear.

  

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