Choosing not to know

I have not experienced calmness in the absence of data – in relation to anything I know I don’t know.

There may be a certain amount of panic upon receiving some data. But that is nothing compared to the chaos caused inside of me when data is not forthcoming.

I would never choose not to know under circumstances where information was available. There are two reasons:

1. I have a very complicated imagination that creates so many scenarios that I get confused as to which is the most likely. When I don’t know which scenario is most likely, I am very distressed. Destructively so. I sometimes feel I would rather blow up a situation to collapse it to one event rather than suffer it.

2. I can handle almost any dataset provided it’s authentic. So I have no concerns with “finding anything out”. Even things other people would find intolerable aren’t that scary to me. I am not afraid to be afraid or sad. I think I can accommodate almost anything.

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