On jealousy

Jealousy is a very personal feeling generated inside your own body. Another persons behaviour can make you feel the jealousy, but I believe the only way to deal with it is within yourself and not by attempting to modify someone else’s behaviour. Owning it is hard – much harder than simply requiring someone else to change. Often people will change to help you but what you don’t realise is that they have simply changed how they present to you. This is why it is easier to process jealousy onto others because its much harder to fool yourself.

Jealousy speaks to all kinds of things like insecurity, inadequacy, unimportance, uselessness. All of us feel these things and there is nothing wrong with them – despite their negative connotations. If you don’t feel inadequate and insecure sometimes you aren’t fully human.

The feeling of jealousy can generate secondary feelings which can be destructive if you don’t have the emotional maturity to address them. If you feel insecure or inadequate this can come out as anger or spitefulness or upset. These are fears manifest. These are also things – tool – we become adept at using to control other people. We have all seen movies where the guy smashes something following a chain of events. Men tend to anger is my guess and process the emotions physically. We have all seen movies where the woman goes crazy. Women tend to jelly and process the emotions through other behaviours such as controlling or bitchiness or bunny boiling.

At its root jealousy may seem to be a symptom of love, but its a side effect at best and it isn’t necessarily present in true and mature love. If I was smart I would draw out an equation showing how the love leads to fear of loss (perhaps due to inadequacy) which leads to behaviours designed to control. In an emotionally mature relationship the fears are dealt with differently and the jealousy may never appear. In other words love and jealousy do not have to come hand in hand.

When I am 500 years old, I will feel all of these feelings just as keenly as I do now. I will embrace with them with joy for the humanness of them. But I will be very good at owning my feelings and asking for what I need – a person who loves me will be prepared to invest in the couple experience. I will communicate my insecurities very rationally and objectively and jealousy (as fear) may never really show up. I wont seem erratic because my behaviours wont be passive aggressive. It may even seen that I am not jealous at all .

It is very important to me that a person doesn’t look for erratic behaviour as a sign of my jealously and conclude ergo that I must love them. This is a bloody pointless exercise and I have seen it played out many times. I have felt others trying to do it to me. On the flip, I would never try to grow jealousy to feel a love glow.

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